Category Archives: Funny Quotes
>A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
He’s so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet!
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim.
Always be wary of the Software Engineer who carries a screwdriver.
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it.
Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to the simplicity.
640 K ought to be enough for anybody.”
— Bill Gates, 1981
“I believe OS/2 is destined to be the most important operating system, and possibly program, of all time. As the successor to DOS, which has over 10,000,000 systems in use, it creates incredible opportunities for everyone involved with PCs.”
— Bill Gates – OS/2 Programmer’s Guide
“The best way to prepare [to be a programmer] is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of their operating systems.” — Bill Gates, OS/2 Notebook, Microsoft Press, 1990, p. 614
“The Internet? We are not interested in it”
— Bill Gates, 1993
“Sometimes we do get taken by surprise. For example, when the Internet came along, we had it as a fifth or sixth priority.”
— Bill Gates, Jul, 1998
“We had planned to integrate a Web browser with our operating system as far back as 1993”
Microsoft (27 Jul 1998, filing its first court responses to federal antitrust)
In response to Java: “Anybody who thinks a little 9,000-line program that’s distributed free and can be cloned by anyone is going to affect anything we do at Microsoft has his head screwed on wrong.”
— Bill Gates
“Microsoft Products are Generally Bug Free”
— Bill Gates
“There are people who don’t like capitalism, and there are people who don’t like PCs, but there’s no one who likes the PC who doesn’t like Microsoft.”
— Bill Gates
“Like medieval peasants, computer manufacturers and millions of users are locked in a seemingly eternal lease with their evil landlord, who comes around every two years to collect billions of dollars of taxes in return for mediocre services”
— Mark Harris, Electronics Times
— Bill Gates
“Microsoft does not innovate. It buys, imitates, or steals. It makes things difficult for software developers, and thus eventually for users.”
— Richard Brandshaft, San Jose Mercury-New
“There is a fantasy in Redmond that Microsoft products are innovative, but this is based entirely on a peculiar confusion of the words “innovative” and “successful.” Microsoft products are successful — they make a lot of money — but that doesn’t make them innovative, or even particularly good.”
— Robert X. Cringley
“A few weeks ago, a member of the audience at a [Bill] Gates speech in San Francisco asked simply this of the world’s richest businessman: ”Can you make a list of things you won’t be doing? … I just want a little piece of something to pass on to my kids 20 years from now.””
— San Jose Mercury News, 26 Oct 97
“We have no intention of shipping another bloated OS and shoving it down the throats of our users.”
— Paul Maritz, Microsoft group vice president
“Microsoft has gotten so big that it can put out a Preview that will install itself without checking first to see if it has expired. The message here is that Microsoft’s time is worth more than yours…. no start-up company could get away with being that arrogant.”
— Jerry Pournelle, Byte Magazine
“Appeasement, said Winston Churchill, consists of being nice to a crocodile in the hope that he will eat you last. At the moment, the biggest crocodile in the world is Microsoft, and everybody is busy sucking up to it.”
— John Naughton, the London Observer
“Every time you turn on your new car, you’re turning on 20 microprocessors. Every time you use an ATM, you’re using a computer. Every time I use a settop box or game machine, I’m using a computer. The only computer you don’t know how to work is your Microsoft computer, right?”
— Scott McNealy, CEO, Sun Microsystems, Inc.
“Microsoft’s biggest and most dangerous contribution to the software industry may be the degree to which it has lowered user expectations.”
— Esther Schindler, OS/2 Magazine
“Microsoft – Which end of the stick do you want today?”
“If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0”
“The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.”
“Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.”
“unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep” – my daily unix command list
“… one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.” – Robert Firth
“If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise.”
“The more I C, the less I see.”
“To err is human… to really foul up requires the root password.”
“After Perl everything else is just assembly language.”
“If brute force doesn’t solve your problems, then you aren’t using enough.”
“Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code.”
“Unix is user-friendly. It’s just very selective about who its friends are.”
“COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.”
“Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” — Michael Sinz
“There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.”
“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – This is not humorous by itself; but in the context it’s a classic by Bill Gates in 1981
Microsoft: “You’ve got questions. We’ve got dancing paperclips.”
“Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer.” – Erik Naggum
“Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.”
“SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it.”
“Windows95: It’s like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.
“People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song ‘Start me up’ in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn’t use the line ‘You’ll make a grown man cry’.”
“I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly”
“A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light”
“The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2.”
“A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila”
“1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d”
“To go forward, you must backup.”
“I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code”
“A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting.”
“My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.”
“Better to be a geek than an idiot.”
“Windows isn’t a virus, viruses do something.”
“Geek’s favorite pickup line: Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform? “
“Be nice to geeks when you’re in school, you might end-up working for one when you grow-up.”
“Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail.”
“Evolution is God’s way of issuing upgrades.”
“The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back.”
“It’s a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.”
“The box said ‘Required Windows 95 or better’. So, I installed LINUX.”
“Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows.”
“once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary,
over many a strange and spurious site of ‘hot xxx galore’.
While i clicked my fav’rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
” ‘Tis not possible!”, i muttered, “give me back my free hardcore!”
quoth the server, 404.”
“Mac users swear by their Mac,
PC users swear at their PC.”
“Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error.”
“Dating a girl is just like writing software. Everything’s going to work just fine in the testing lab (dating), but as soon as you have contract with a customer (marriage), then your program (life) is going to be facing new situations you never expected. You’ll be forced to patch the code (admit you’re wrong) and then the code (wife) will just end up all bloated and unmaintainable in the end.”
“Real men don’t use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies.” – Linus Torvalds
“There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand trinary, those that don’t, and those that confuse it with binary.”
“If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.”
“It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.”
“I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: ‘Outlook not so good’. I said: ‘Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway’.”
“The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.”
“The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers). Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again. Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot.”
“Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.”
“The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones.”
“Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn’t leave something that can be traced back to you.”